Saturday, February 15, 2014

Tangled

“And then the line went dead,” I said.

“Did you try to call or text any of them?” Adam asked.

“I think he's better off not texting Lyndon,” Uno said.

“No, I haven't. And I think it's too late with Nico,” I said.

“And Lyndon?” Adam asked.

“Stop pushing him to Lyndon,” Uno said.

“But the sex is great. It's hard to find someone good in bed nowadays. Trust me, I know,” Adam said.

“I don't doubt it,” Uno said.

It was Valentine's Day, and rather than suffer through the indignity of all the hearts and cupids and incarnadine bursts and lovers giddy with joy that plagued the Metro, I suggested we stay home, cook dinner, and watch a slasher movie. At least in slasher movies, the killer would surely decapitate anyone caught having sex, which exactly mirrored my feelings towards them. Should I feel bad that I felt thankful that Uno and Adam were as lovelorn as I was and were therefore available companions to my grief? How annoying must I have been while Alex and I were still together, rubbing it in their faces how happy and contented I was while Uno was single and Adam was involved with a married man he couldn't exactly call his? But at least I need not worry that they were offended because they were not that kind of friend. I was sure they were happy for me, and I was also happy myself to have them. And now that we all found ourselves single at the same time, we had each other for company on this night of nights. 

“Are we allowed to bring up Fred?” I asked.

“Was it obvious I didn't want to talk about him?” Adam asked.

“You seem kind of talked out,” Uno said. 

“I knew what I got myself into. I deserve what happened,” Adam said. 

“No do not demonize yourself. It's Fred's fault he's too afraid to come out of the closet,” I said. 

“He wanted children,” Adam said.

“Or so he thinks. Because that's what society tells him is expected of him,” I said. 

“Are we really better off? Look at us. We're all out of the closet. So why are we alone? At least he has his wife and kids,” Adam said.

“We're alone but we're not lonely,” Uno said.

“And don't you remember how lonely it felt to keep who we are a secret? Why did you think Fred hooked up with you? Because he couldn't stand to keep the secret all to himself,” I said. 

“So he's just using me to make him feel good about himself?” Adam asked.

“I meant that at least with you he can be himself,” I said. 

“I remember wishing I were dead when mom discovered those letters from Aris. But then they talked to me and set some ground rules for me, and I just felt so relieved. I didn't even realize how much I dreaded disappointing them if they find out because I'm the only boy, but then after they did and I did feel that they were disappointed, it was not as bad as I feared it to be,” Uno said. 

“Falling in love with Fred wasn't your greatest moment, but then again, it's not like we can really fault you for it,” I said. 

“Right. Love is love,” Uno said.

“And Anna Dizon is Anna Dizon,” Adam and I said at the same time.

We were in my bed, eating from a large bag of Chippy in front of us and drinking from our glasses of softdrinks by the bedside table, while we watched a voluptuous babe with huge implants get chased by a masked figure. After some lull in the conversation, Adam spoke again.

“I can't leave him.”

“We know,” Uno said. 

“Charlotte says it takes half the time of the relationship to get over a guy,” I said. 

“Then Carrie you are fucked,” Adam said.

“I thought I was Charlotte,” I said.

“No, Uno is Charlotte,” Adam said.

“And Adam is Samantha,” Uno said.

“Yeah. Samantha and proud of it,” Adam said. 

“But Samantha never falls in love,” I said. 

“Adam is Samantha and Carrie combined,” Uno said.

“So Dan's Miranda?” I asked.

“A plus-sized Miranda,” Adam said. 

“But if that's true then I need at least two years to get over him?” I asked.

“That's too long. You'll be over him as soon as you find someone new,” Adam said.

“Take as long as you need. That formula is oversimplifying it,” Uno said. 

“I don't want to get over him yet,” I said. 

“I told you,” Adam said.

“What did you tell him?” I asked.

“That you told me you don't want to move on,” Adam said. 

“If getting older means getting more stubborn, I want none of it,” Uno said.

“You'll be fine,” I said.

“I'm kidding. I can't wait to leave school,” Uno said.

“Have you heard from Aris? How do you know he's still waiting?” Adam asked.

“No I haven't. And I don't. But think of the alternative. It's better to hope,” Uno said. 

“Then you'll be disappointed if he didn't,” Adam said. 

“I'll deal with the disappointment if it comes. But at least right now, with hope, I don't spend my days worrying,” Uno said. 

“How do you do it?” I asked.

“As soon as the thought occurs, I recognize it, and then I let it go,” Uno said.

“You make it sound simple,” Adam said.

“Practice,” Uno said. 

“When did you get so wise?” I asked.

“Maybe I just have good teachers,” Uno said. 

*

As lovers gave each other flowers and chocolates across Metro Manila, there we were, three single gay men trying to make sense of our single lives, singling out golden nuggets of lessons from our disjointed and fractured lives. There is no right answer it seems, no single solution that would unravel the intricacies of love for us. We have to do the unraveling ourselves, and maybe in the process we would end up with a more tangled life, but for as long as we are alive we have the chance to unravel it all out, and with our friends by our side, we never have to do the unraveling alone. 

4 comments :

  1. Single-blessedness is a revelation. It's like a pilgrimage to the soul; a chance to evaluate yourself and your life choices. It's a good thing that you have true friends to accompany you through this journey :)

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  2. so very true. im blessed to have such great friends.

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  3. reading your blog is like watching a weekly television series. been reading since day one. :)

    ReplyDelete