Choices

No matter how many other restaurants we tried, no matter how much we varied our monthly lunch routine, we always, always, always, went back to Kitchen at Greenbelt 3, and each time we went, we always ordered the same food from their menu. It was a good metaphor for my friendship with these three girls; no matter how many other people we met, we could always rely on each other for comfort and support. 

“Has Mike decided?” I asked.

“I haven't asked,” Dan said.

“You know you have to ask soon, right?” Adam asked.

“I'm not ready to hear the answer,” Dan said. 

“I'm sure he'll choose you,” Uno said.

“At least one of us is sure,” Dan said.

“Talk to him. He may not have an answer yet but maybe you two can come up with one together,” I said.

“I don't want to come between him and his mom,” Dan said.

“You're not. His mom is the one coming between you and his son,” Adam said.

“You won't be a victim if you don't let yourself be,” I said. 

“It's my fault I didn't pressure him years ago to tell his Mom about us,” Dan said.

“You did what you thought was best. And at some level you must have sensed that he wasn't ready,” Uno said. 

“No one can ever be truly ready for that. Look at Fred and where that got him,” Adam said.

“You still haven't broken up with him?” Dan asked.

“He already said he loves him,” Uno said.

“That's not reason enough to keep holding on though,” I said.

“Then why are you still holding on?” Adam asked.

“Foul! But I'm actually starting to let go. I did a general cleaning last night and threw out the odds and ends that he left: his disposable razors, an old toothbrush, a nearly empty bottle of his shampoo, an old oversized t-shirt of his that I wear at home, those McCormick spices he bought that we never use, his GQ magazines,” I said. 

“That's a big step,” Uno said.

“What brought this about?” Dan asked.

“Anger. That after he dropped by weeks ago and we had sex, I never heard from him again,” I said.

“I told you what that sex was,” Adam said.

“And of course you were right. You, of all people, know what it meant. But what I couldn't dispose of were our photos on my laptop,” I said. 

“You don't have to delete it. Why don't you put it all in a folder, zip it, delete the folder and keep the zip file, and then forget about it,” Uno said.

“Do you still keep the cards and letters from Aris?” I asked. 

“He has no reason to get rid of it,” Dan said.

“Do you think he's your one great love?” I asked.

“I do. And I believe he's still waiting for me,” Uno said.

“How about you guys?” I asked Dan and Adam.

“I don't think about things like that. But Mike's someone I'd like to grow old with,” Dan said.

“Fred's different from everyone else I've met,” Adam said. 

“What if we only get one chance and Alex was mine and I'm going to spend the rest of my life looking back?” I asked. 

“You won't. Either Alex will come to his senses and you will get back together or you will meet someone else better than him and you'll just know,” Uno said. 

“We can't plan for everything in our future. So for the ones that we can't, all we can do is to take it a day at a time,” Dan said. 

“I told you guys, I'll know it when it's time to let go,” Adam said. 

“What is it about him?” Dan asked.

“I feel this certainty with him that I've never felt with anyone else,” Adam said.

“Well for someone who has sex with random guys so much, you're still a romantic at heart,” Uno said. 

*

I didn't get home until after dinner. After lunch we all went to see a movie, and then we walked to 6750 building beside Shangri-La Hotel to have coffee afterwards. When we finished our drinks  we walked Adam to a taxi bay because he was meeting someone for dinner and sex. Dan said he had to go too and we walked him to the MRT at Ayala before Uno and I roamed around the mall to gain our appetites back in time for dinner. 

When I got home the doorknob was busted and though the door was closed it was unlocked. I went in, my heart in my throat, and found the apartment as I left it, except that my camera and my laptop, both of which were on my computer table, were missing. I immediately called Dan.

“I've been robbed,” I said.

“What? How? What was taken?” Dan asked.

“Just my camera and laptop. The doorknob was dismantled,” I said.

“Didn't you have a deadbolt lock?” he asked.

 “I must have forgotten to lock it,” I said.

“File a police blotter,” Dan said.

“I don't want to deal with the police,” I said. 

“So what are you going to do?” Dan asked.

“Get it fixed tomorrow, and then add another lock,” I said.

“Are you okay? It's late, I can't get to you but do you want me to call Adam so he could sleepover?” Dan asked.

“No, I'll be fine. I have a chain lock and a deadbolt so no one's coming in,” I said. 

“You sure you don't want to go to the police?” Dan asked.

“What good will it do? They may even be accomplices. Anyway, I gotta go,” I said. 

“Take care okay?” Dan said.

*

Logically, the camera and the laptop were the two most convenient gadgets to steal inside my apartment. The television and the refrigerator were too heavy and conspicuous, while the electric fan was worth too little to be bothered with. But I couldn't help but think that the universe was sending me a message as well. After all, the camera still had many pictures of Alex and I before the breakup, and the laptop had all our pictures from all the trips we had taken together and from all the special occasions we celebrated with his family and mine. Was the universe offering me a clean slate? Was the robbery its way of saying that I should move on, and that if I didn't have the strength to do it by myself then it was helping me do so? But whether losing the camera and the laptop had meaning or was meaningless didn't matter anymore. What mattered was that those pictures and the gadgets that stored them were gone now, the choice was already made for me. But even with them gone, the choice whether to hold on to the past or to move forward from here was still a decision I had to make myself.