Secrets and Lies

Friday night in this bustling city and yet I found myself nowhere to go. We don't realize how much time we spend with our boyfriends until these boyfriends become exes and we find ourselves with too much time in our hands. With the breakup, not only did I get more closet space, less dirty laundry, and more bed real estate, but I got so much free time too. I'm sure I'd manage to fill the freed up space in my closet eventually, but in an instant, I had to scramble and make an effort to fill all these empty time as well. So while at home alone I wondered, where were my friends to help me fill up this time?

In their love nest in Antipolo, Dan and his partner Mike were preparing for the visit of Mike's mother arriving the next day from Davao. I wasn't sure if the mother suspected anything, but while she was with them, Dan and Mike had to put up the pretense that they were only housemates and nothing more. All incriminating evidences had to be stashed away: the picture frames of them together, the photo albums of all the trips they had taken, even the old dirty magazines of Dan's that he kept for sentimental reasons. Dan had to prep the guest bedroom for himself; new sheets and pillowcases were brought out of storage and Dan had to transfer all his clothes to the guest bedroom. If it was any consolation, the mother was only staying for a week, and she only came to visit once a year. The rest of the year it was Mike who came home to her to Davao. I asked Dan why they couldn't just tell Mike's mother the truth instead of making all these effort. After all, they've been together for eleven years, it wasn't like their relationship was of no consequence. Dan said they've already argued about it but Mike was adamant. He didn't want to give his mother more grief; she suffered enough as it was when Mike's father passed away after a long battle with cancer. Dan let the issue go, knowing that the key to maintaining a long-term relationship was picking his battles wisely. This was one battle he knew he couldn't win.

Uno, our southern belle from Las Pinas, was at home working on his plates. He was a college senior and he was really working hard to graduate on time. He had really fallen in love for the first time two years ago to a man seven years his senior. Both of them were old souls who shared an interest in art and architecture, and their courtship was well documented by the letters and cards they gave to each other. It could have all been beautiful, a wondrous love affair that may last for years to come, except that Uno's mother discovered the cards and letters. Though she accepted that his son is gay, she put her foot down and demanded an end to the relationship. She reasoned that the dating rules enforced on Uno's older and younger sisters must also apply to him, so as long as he lived under their roof and received an allowance from them, he must abide by their rules. Even though Uno was devastated by the bad turn his love life took, he thought their dating condition for him was fair and reasonable, and at least he was relieved that his parents accepted him for who he is. So for now he was working hard to graduate so he could then find a job and move out of his parents' house.

Man about town Adam wasn't at home like the rest of us. He was presently in a deluxe room at Traders Hotel, in bed with a married man he rendezvoused once every month. As beautiful and buff as Adam is, able to get just about any guy he sets his eyes on, the one time he had fallen so in love was with this man he couldn't even call his own. Faced with the choice of staying with him or leaving him, he stayed, putting up with this clandestine love affair for the sake of love. I asked him if it was worth it, and with nary a pause he said yes. Even if they only saw each other once a month he still felt much loved, more loved than any other guy he had ever met. Besides, he reasoned, this relationship gave him the freedom to continue to sleep around with other men, which he very much enjoyed. 

Back in my own apartment, I was pretty much resigned to spending the rest of the night alone, and possibly, if Uno couldn't finish his school work by Sunday, the rest of the weekend too. With nothing else to do, after dinner I sat myself in front of the computer to watch the first 8 episodes of Dexter, which I've been putting off because I wanted to watch the full first season in one go. While in the middle of the second episode I received a text from Alex. He asked if he could come over to pick up the rest of his things. My first impulse was to tell him that I've thrown it all away, but common decency won out, and despite how much it would hurt to see him again, I said yes. Ahead of his arrival, I prepared all his stuff and gathered them in the living room. I wanted the meet up to be as quick and painless as possible.

“Everything's there,” I said.

“Thanks for packing it for me,” Alex said.

“Sure, it's not a big deal.”

“How are you?”

“Doing good. Happy.”

“You know even if we're not together anymore, I still care about you very much.”

“Don't worry. I'm fine.”

“Okay, if you say so. Anyway, thanks again for this. I'll be going.”

“May I have your key back?”

“Oh right. Thanks for reminding me. Here.” 

“Okay. You're all set.”

“Okay. See you.”

I didn't even know I was such a drama queen until then. At the precise moment I closed the door, what I wanted to do was run to the bathroom, turn the shower on, lean back against the tiled wall, and then cry while slowly sliding down until I slumped on the floor. But of course, I didn't do it. I sat back in front of the computer and numbed myself with the blood and gore of Dexter. I didn't want to think, nor did I want to make any analyses or deductions of what had just transpired. But try as I might I couldn't help but wonder, why was I so intent to show him I was fine, even when I was not? Are some secrets really worth keeping? If they are, how do we know which one? How long do we keep them to ourselves, and will we ever be ready if they are revealed to the world and we start to live with their consequences?