Honesty

Another Saturday and it's a week before the next payday, so I asked the girls if we could skip our usual expensive lunch out and all pitch in for a home-cooked meal instead. Having never done it before they were thrilled with the suggestion, and we met at Starbucks 6750 at ten in the morning to plan our meal as some of us had a late breakfast. Afterwards, we walked to Rustan's Supermarket to buy what we needed, and because the aisles weren't conducive to long stretches of conversation among four grown men, not a long while later, with our three bags of groceries and a box of chocolate cake, we were on a cab to my apartment to start cooking and to start talking.

“I don't know what you were expecting but it was bound to happen eventually,” Dan said.

“And I don't think it was sustainable to begin with,” I added.

“But they were very much in love,” Uno said.

“Was he in love? For all I know he is only in it for the sex,” Adam said.

“You don't believe that,” Uno said.

“It doesn't matter whether he believes it or not. It's over,” I said.

“I bet he hadn't even tried to reach you yet,” Dan said.

“He actually did. He asked if we could lay low for a while,” Adam said.

“See I told you. He loves you,” Uno said.

“And you said?” Dan asked.

We all looked at Adam and saw the answer on his face.

“You have to believe you deserve better dear, or else you'd always end up in the same situation. You're not hoping he's going to leave his wife for you, are you?” Dan asked.

“No, no of course not. It's more complicated than that. And even if he wants to, I can't let him do that. He has his kids to think about too,” Adam said.

“So then you might as well leave him now if you're being so selfless about it,” Dan said.

“Look at him. He can't say it but it's obvious. He can't leave him because he loves him,” I said.

“It's not the most ideal setup,” Adam said.

“That's an understatement,” Dan said.

“...but he's the only one I met who made me the happiest. And you all know I've tried it with so many other guys,” Adam said.

“So you're going to bear it?” I asked.

“He has to if he loves him,” Uno said.

“It's emotional suicide,” Dan said.

“I'm going to put up with it for as long as I can. If it hurts too much already and when the pain's not worth the happiness anymore, I'll go,” Adam said.

“So I take it the wife didn't leave him,” I said.

“I guessed not. But we didn't talk about it,” Adam said.

“Did he apologize at least?” Dan asked.

“I told him it wasn't his fault. And from the start I knew what I was getting myself into,” Adam said.

“But at least he did. That shows he's concerned about you,” Uno said.

“Dapat lang,” Dan said.

“Don't worry okay. I'm a big girl. I can handle myself. And besides, I know you'd all come to help me when I need you to,” Adam said.

“I should have dissuaded you from making this decision in the first place,” Dan said.

“As if we can ever dissuade him. His skull is as hard as his biceps,” I said.

“Well you're the one to judge. What's this I hear that you're dating two guys at once, and that they're friends, and one of them doesn't know that you're dating the other,” Adam said.

“You're not,” Dan said.

I looked at Uno menacingly.

“Don't look at him like that. We aren't supposed to be keeping secrets from each other, remember?” Adam asked.

“Fine. Yes, I am. Happy?” I asked.

“I thought you were smarter than this,” Dan said.

“He just can't find the right timing to let Nico know,” Uno said.

“There's no right timing for that,” Dan said.

“What is it with you girl? You're being very bitchy today,” Adam said.

“Look, we're all not getting any younger...” Dan said.

“Speak for yourself,” Adam said.

“Who's being bitchy now?” I asked.

“...we all should know better by now. If this is Uno making these mistakes I would have understood. But you Earl of all people?” Dan said.

“That doesn't exactly sound like a compliment,” Uno said.

“My point is, he should be better than this,” Dan said.

“I'm not exactly an expert in these things you know. So far I've only had one boyfriend. And look where that got me. If there's an expert among us that would be Adam,” I said.

“Maybe he's my karma?” Adam asked.

“If there was such a thing then all the people who have done bad things should have been dead by now,” Dan said.

“Their retribution awaits them in hell,” Uno said.

“I'd rather see them punished here on earth,” Dan said.

“Are you saying makakarma ako if I keep doing this?” I asked.

“I'm just saying you'd better tell Nico soon,” Adam said.

“Wait. You're all being too hard on me, and not with Adam,” I said.

“Because he's hopeless. He has no conscience. You, on the other hand, we can still save,” Dan said.

“So now you're being too harsh on me,” Adam said.

“He's actually being too harsh on everyone. So spill it already,” I said.

“Mike's mom is asking him to move back to Davao,” Dan said.

“I knew something was up,” Uno said.

“And what did Mike say?” I asked.

“He hadn't said anything. He just told me what his mom had asked him,” Dan said.

“I hope he's not seriously considering it,” I said.

“I think you both know what the solution is,” Adam said.

“But it has to be his decision. I can't force him to do it,” Dan said.

“And he would know his mom best. If he decides to tell her, he'll probably know how she'd react,” Uno said.

“But how about his job?” I asked.

“His mom said his uncle can get him to work for the government,” Dan said.

“Would he take that?” Adam asked.

“I don't know. We haven't exactly discussed it at length. We've both been trying to avoid the conversation,” Dan said.

“It seems you're the only one who doesn't have any problems,” I said to Uno.

“Are you kidding? I want to have sex so badly. And I really miss Aris,” Uno said.

“Why don't you just meet him secretly?” Adam asked.

“Don't be such a bad influence. At least one of us is doing the right thing,” Dan said.

*

After they had all left and while I was cleaning the apartment, I couldn't help but worry that I really made a bad decision to hide the truth from Nico even if it was hard to tell him that I was seeing his friend Lyndon too. Why is it that honesty is not as easy as some people make it out to be? In the real world, nothing is really black or white, and between these two opposing colors are an infinitesimal number of grays that all have their own repercussions. Real life decisions have real life consequences, and whether a decision was made selfishly as in Adam's boyfriend's case, or is made with a selfless excuse as in Dan's boyfriend's case, they were the ones who had to live with their decisions, and like Adam and Dan, the people around them all become collateral damage because of it. Not everyone had the steely resolve of Uno, who despite his complaints and despite being the youngest among all of us, was probably the bravest amongst us. I can only hope that one of these days I would muster the bravery myself, because if I kept putting it off the mistake just becomes more severe, and a shot of honesty may then be too late.