How and Where It Began

When you are looking for love, it's hard to be a single gay man here in Manila. So few eligible men, so much competition. Everyone is looking for that elusive spark, but along with that spark, we are also looking for someone hot in bed, someone who won't bore us in conversation, someone who share our interests, and someone whose looks we can brag about. As my friend Uno quipped, gay men want the world. And why wouldn't we, I said back, when we spent most of our lives hiding and unloved, so we must compensate for all that lost time.

I've been in a relationship since I was 17. After several years together, years where I began to believe that he's the one, he broke up with me saying he didn't see me in his future. Ouch. So having found myself newly single at 22, my friend Adam advised that the best way to move on was to start dating again, and he should know, because he can quickly move on from one relationship to the next. But with every single gay man in this city looking for a boyfriend, why are there a surplus of men that are still single? Is the spark so hard to find or are we just shooting for the stars?

Newly single, I didn't know where to start. I met my ex in school, and having graduated already, school was no longer an option available to me. I couldn't ask my friend Dan because he's been with his boyfriend for 11 years, and I couldn't ask my friend Uno because though he was single like I was, he wasn't looking at all. No one else to ask except Adam, who volunteered to show me how it was done. I don't mean to judge but with how fleeting his relationships were, I didn't think I would find someone for the long term where he would take me. But I was keeping an open mind.

Malate was still the hub of the gay scene then, so all these happened several years ago. He took me to Bed, and although I've been there several times with my ex, I had never been there with the intent of hooking up with anyone.

I've always been skinny but I've never been self conscious with my body until that night. How could I possibly compete with all those gay men with their big biceps and rock hard abs? Did it mean I had to start going to the gym myself? Everywhere I looked, almost everyone seemed to have the same haircut, almost everyone seemed to be wearing the same style of clothes. If I wanted to fit in, did I have to do the same? Were my chances of finding a new boyfriend greater? What happened to the regular guys, the guys like me who weren't as stylish, well-scrubbed and gym-buffed as these guys? Where were they, and in this day and age when everyone seemed to be preoccupied with beauty and image, how would we find true love?

Without effort, Adam managed to snag himself a hot daddy, one with a shaved head and with biceps that were as big as my thighs. Mr. Clean strode over behind Adam and locked him in an embrace. Not a single word passed between them. With Adam busy, I had no choice but to stand there and dance with myself, my eyes looking around for someone who would catch my eye, both figuratively and literally.

And there he was. I smiled. He smiled. We both walked towards the other. From the vantage point of the bar's dim lights I liked what I saw. He asked me to go home with him, and I glanced towards where Adam was but didn't see him there. I took a leap and said yes.

Out of the bar, beneath the light of the street lamps, thankfully I still liked what I saw. In the darkness of the cab he sought my hand and I felt reassured by his warm touch. While we were on our way to his place I worried that I might have jumped the gun too soon. What if he thought I was easy to get and not boyfriend material? What if by going home with him he thought that I went home with everyone who asked me? How would I explain myself without having to sound defensive? The uncertainty and second guessing sucked, but I felt it was too late to back out.

The kiss was really good but the sex was just alright. The spark that I was looking for was missing. Lying there with him post-sex I was wondering if he would see me again. Maybe if we tried one more time the sex would be better. But how to ask him? I told him I need to be going but he offered me to stay. A good sign. A test of how comfortable we were sleeping beside each other.

In the morning light everything was different. The world seemed to have shifted while we slept. Jacob was still asleep beside me snoring softly, and when I moved to get out of bed I had disturbed his sleep. When I said I was leaving he asked me for my number. Another good sign. That meant he wanted to see me again. I was smiling on my way home, feeling lucky how quick it was for me to find someone to date. The sex wasn't wonderful as I said but I think it was workable. But as I neared home I got to thinking, was it really this easy to find someone new or was it just beginner's luck? And if it was beginner's luck, was it going to be downhill from here?